Fun Inspirations 1

Fun Inspirations 1

by Various Authors (mostly unknown)

I cannot look at the world seriously. For me, there is inspiration in humor, and the funny things that happen to me along life’s path. I am a muse in training, or at the very least, I have been put upon this earth to be God’s comic relief. The only sound I could hear after getting hit by a train while horseback riding was a deep, haunting laughter. Surely it couldn’t be the fact that I, literally, had ants in my pants – split my pants open on a red anthill (insult to injury). I know, as long as I can laugh at myself, life is worth living and writing about. I hope you enjoy these items and that they inspire and encourage you.  — Deanna Lilly

Walk on the Moon

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” were televised to earth and heard by millions. Then, just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa, Florida while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. “Sex! You want sex? You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

This is NOT a true story – confirmed by Snoops.com – but still worth repeating.


Seeing Through Your Character’s Eyes

Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on Earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions.

Name two days of the week that begin with “T.”

How many seconds are in a year?

What is God’s first name?

Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, “The two days of the week that begin with ‘T’ are ‘Today’ and ‘Tomorrow.’ There are twelve seconds in a year. And God has two-first names; they are ‘Andy’ and ‘Howard.’

Saint Peter said, “Okay, I’ll buy Today and Tomorrow. Even though it’s not the answer I expected, your answer is correct. But how did you get twelve seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God’s first name is either Andy or Howard?”

Forrest responded, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc…”

“OK, I’ll give you that one, too,” said Saint Peter, “but what about the God’s first name stuff?”

Forrest said, “Well, from the song, ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own..’ and the prayer, ‘Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name…’ ”

Saint Peter let him in without further ado.


Failure

You’ve failed many times, although you may not remember. You fell down the first time you walked. You almost drowned the first time you tried to swim. Did you hit the ball the first time you swung a bat? Heavy hitters, the one who hit the most home runs, also strike out the most. Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times, but he also hit 714 home runs. R.H. Macy failed seven times before his store in New York caught on. Don’t worry about failure. Worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try.. – United Technologies Wall Street Journal ad. —


Ignite the Spark

“We are all born with a box of matches inside. We can’t light them by ourselves. The oxygen (to feed the flame) has to come from a lover’s breath, the candle (to provide the spark) can be anything: a melody, a word, a caress, a sound.

Everyone has to discover what will pull his trigger to enable him to live, because it is that explosive flare of the match that feeds our souls.”

–From the motion picture “Like Water for Chocolate”


Literacy?

A chicken walked into a library and walked up to the librarian and goes “bok.” The librarian thought it was really weird, but she handed the chicken a book and he left.

Then the chicken came back in a few minutes later and went to the librarian and goes “bok, bok.” This time the librarian thought it was really hard to believe, but she handed the chicken two books and the chicken left.

Then a short while later the chicken came back and walked up to the librarian and goes “bok, bok, bok.” This time the librarian had a plan, so she handed the chicken three books and followed her out the library. The chicken went down the road and to a pond where the chicken met a frog. The chicken held up the three books to the frog and the frog goes “readit, readit, readit.”


Every Woman Should Have

  • One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
  • Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
  • Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
  • A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
  • A youth you’re content to move beyond.
  • A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
  • The realization that you are actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
  • A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
  • One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
  • A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
  • Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
  • A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
  • A feeling of control over your destiny.
  • A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
  • A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

 


Every Woman Should Know

  • How to fall in love without losing yourself.
  • How you feel about having kids.
  • How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
  • When to try harder and when to walk away.
  • How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
  • How to have a good time at a party you’d never choose to attend.

 


Rules for Writers

By PPW (Panhandle Plains Writers) in Amarillo.

  • Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
  • Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
  • And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
  • It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
  • Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat)
  • Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
  • Be more or less specific.
  • Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
  • Also too, never ever use repetitive redundancies.
  • No sentence fragments.
  • Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
  • Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  • Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
  • One should NEVER generalize.
  • Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
  • Don’t use no double negatives.
  • Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
  • One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  • Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  • The passive voice is to be ignored.
  • Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
  • Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
  • Kill all exclamation points!!!
  • Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
  • Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
  • Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
  • Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
  • If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not on writer in a million can use it correctly.
  • Puns are for children, not groan readers.
  • Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  • Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  • Who needs rhetorical questions?
  • Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
  • And finally .. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Play On Words

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bed makers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, software beta testers would be debugged, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

On a more positive note, though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.


Battle Hymn of the Rejection
by Emily Hoffman

(Sung to the tune — “Battle Hymn of the Republic”)

My eyes have seen the mailman in the distance bringing mail;
His hands are full of letters as he marches up the trail;
I’m running down to meet him, hoping editors won’t fail,
Oh, hope is marching on.

Chorus:
No, no, no it’s a rejection! No, no, no it’s a rejection!
Oh, no, no, not a rejection!
No, no, no it’s a rejection!
But I will still write on.

In the early morning hours I work on at my PC;
I am typing, knowing this time, that the editors will see;
All the talent I have bursting, all the energy set free,
Oh, next time they will buy.

(chorus)


“The difference between real life and fiction is that fiction must make sense.”

— Tom Clancy


Rejection Statistics

  • John Grisham – 28 publishers rejected “A Time to Kill”
  • Golding – 21 publishers rejected “Lord of the Flies”
  • Pearl Buck – 14 publishers rejected “The Good Earth”
  • George B. Shaw – first 5 novels rejected
  • Saroyan – first 100 articles rejected
  • Mary Higgins Clark – first short story rejected 40 times
  • Louis L’Amour – 350 rejections

Never give up. Learn from each rejection. Fix the problems in your manuscript. Hound them relentlessly and you’ll get there.


The Writers War Cry
by Iris Leach

DETERMINATION IS THE NAME OF THE GAME. Think abut writing with the same determination you use to have that extra helping of chocolate cake!

ORDINARY PEOPLE ARE SANE. So you’re crazy — mad as a hatter in March. Why else would you slip into something more comfortable and sit in front of a computer?

NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ARE NOT ALLOWED. Your brain surgeon lifts the scalpel — he hesitates! Can I do this, he thinks. What if I fail? should I have taken up horse training like my uncle Bart?

TRUST IN YOURSELF. Deep inside you know you’re a writer and you will, one day make it. Your name will be in lights — well, on a paperback cover at least.

ENTHUSIASM LEADS TO SUCCESS. What if Newton’s mother had said, “Keep your feet on the ground, son. You get much too excited over falling apples.”

VICTORY ABOVE ALL ELSE. Don’t waste those rejection slips. Recycle them into ho-to books.

EVERY WRITER HAS A GOAL. To be published. To be a bestseller. To finish the damn book.

REQUIRED ENERGY. You can find energy from hardy sources. Drinking milk twice a day. Green vegetables. A walk around the block. Or if desperately in need of a boost — stick finger in light socket.

GREAT BOOKS COME FROM EVEN GREATER CHARACTERS. Do you remember your weird Aunt Mabel? The one you mother refuses to talk about? Or that girl from school who was never allowed to play and always wore chiffon blouses under her uniform.

IDLE HANDS MAKE MISCHIEF. Of course active hands lead to arthritis. Take your pick.

VIRTUALLY NOBODY SUCCEEDS WITHOUT TRYING. Hmmm, maybe the royals.

EGG IS WORN ON THE FACE. Maybe because we’re constantly searching for the bacon.

UNDERSTAND THIS — NOTHING TASTES SWEETER THAN SUCCESS. I read this somewhere so it must be true.

PEGASUS. If a damn horse can fly, surely we can get published.

 


Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

If anyone knows who originated any of the above items, please email me (editor@writingcorner.com) so I can give them credit.